"Oh, America"
I wish i could tell you that this was still America.
But I've come to realise that you can't have a country without people.
And there are no people here
No my friends... this is now "The United States Of Zombieland"
It's amazing how quickly things can go from 'bad'...
...to 'total shit-storm'.
And why am I alive, when everyone around me had turned to meat?
It's because of my list of rules.
Rule#1 for survival in Zombieland... is "Cardio".
When the virus struck,
for obvious reasons, the first one to go were the fatties.
Poor fat bastard!
As the infection spread and chaos grew...
It wasn't enough just being fast on your feet
You'd have to get a gun and learn how to use it.
Which leads me to my second rule "The Double Tag"
In those moments when you're not sure that the 'undead' are really dead-ed
Don't get off stingy with your bullets.
I mean one more clean shot to the head.
And this lady could have avoided becoming a human happy-meal.
Woulda? Coulda? Shoulda?
It wasn't long before the zombies began to get clever.
When you are at your most vulnerable, somehow they could just smell it.
Don't let them catch you with your pants down.
Rule #3 "Beware of Bathrooms"
As zombie began to outnumber humans
That's when you have to cut all emotional ties
If the girls in your neigborhood are now fucked up little monsters,
Oh, maybe it's time to stop driving car pools.
You have to focus, on your own survival, which leads to Rule#4
Pretty basic.
"Fasten your seatbelts"
It's gonna be a bumpy ride.
That guy down there, is me.
I'm in Garland, Texas.
And that may look like zombies destroyed it, but that's actually just Garland.
Months since Patient Zero took a bite of contaminated burger out of a Gas & Gold.
Just 2 months and I might be the last non-cannibal freak in the country.
I may seem like an unlikely survivor with all my phobias...
...and irritable bowel syndrome.
But I had the advantage of never having any friends or close family.
I survived because I played it safe and followed the rules...
My rules.
"Rule #1: Cardio"
Shit!
"Rule #1: Cardio"
Of course.
www.frendz4m.com
"Rule #4: Seatbelts"
Motherfucker.
"Rule #2: Double Tap"
On the bright side, I did find the place to go number 2
Another rule to surviving Zombieland: 'Travel light'
And I don't mean just luggage.
I've always been kind of a loner.
I avoided other people like they were zombies,
...even before they were zombies.
Now that they are all zombies, I kinda miss people.
So I'm on my way from my college dorm in Austin, Texas to Columbus, Ohio.
Where, Im hoping my parents are still alive.
Eventhough, we were never really close, just be nice to see a familiar face.
Or any face that doesn't have blood dripping from it's lips...
...and flesh between its teeth.
Thank you.
What are you looking for? - Nothing, I just uh...
I had this list.
No one back there but my duffel bag.
What's your name?
Stop, no names. Keeps us from getting too familiar.
You almost knocked off your alcohol with your knife.
That's okay, you don't have to... - No.
Where are you headed? - Columbus.
You?
Tallahassee.
More? - Uh, no, one for me, one and done.
You know, Tallahassee and Columbus are, both uh... east.
So? - So...
Tallahassee, you wanna stick together? At least for a while...?
Here's the deal, Columbus... huh...
I'm not easy to get along with.
And I'm sensing you're a bit of a bitch. So...
I'll get this relationship to about...
...Texarkana. - Really? Yeah.
Now, please take me as far as Texarkana.
You're a pappy little spit fuck, aren't you?
You might wanna buckle up, you know for safety.
I can tell already, you are gonna get on my nerve.
Even though teaming up wasn't my style.
I figure, I'll be safer with Tallahassee.
You see he was in the ass kicking business,
...and, - Business is Good.
It became quickly apparent however that he did have one weaknesss.
What are we doing here? - Take a look.
It's a goddamn 'Hostess' truck.
Yeah, I see that a Hostess truck. So what?
I could use a Twinkie.
You coming? - Uh... yes, yeah, one second.
Are you fucking with me? - No.
You should actually limber up as well...
...especially, if you're going down that hill.
It is very important.
I don't believe in it.
You ever seen a lion limber up before taking down a gazelle?
Sno-balls..? - Yeah. Sno-balls?
Where's the fucking Twinkies? - I like Sno-balls.
I hate coconut. Not the taste, the consistency.
Oh, this Twinkie thing it ain't over yet.
This may be a bad time, but, I just ate the brown sugar Snowballs.
Really? - Really.
I know. Again? So soon? What can I say.
I have a case of cronic anxiety.
It is.. I've always been kind of phobic
I find lots of things disturbing.
Like undertoe, or department store centers, being alone with a baby.
But the thing I fear more than anything, yes, even more than zombies.
Fucking clowns.
When you're afraid of everything that's out there.
You quit going out there.
Which is what happened to me before Zombieland.
Friday night. Third straight week indoors.
World of Warcraft.
Leaning tower of pizza boxes. Code red Mountain Dew.
Pride? No where.
Dignity? Long gone.
Virginity? Totally justifyable to speculate on.
My whole life, All I ever wanted was to find a girl.
And fall in love, bring her home to meet the folks.
Then again, since my folks are a couple of paranoid shut ins like me
Maybe this girl could bring me home to her folks.
And then, I'll finally be a member of a cool functional family.
Please, is anyone home? Please, its an emergency.
I don't usually unlock my door to the sounds of panic,
...but my neighbour 406 is insanely hot.
Thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Nice to meet you.
Mountain Dew? - Yeah, Code Red.
And here's some Gold Grams.
The zip lock bags keep them crisp.
Okay.
Tell me, what happened? - He was homeless and sick...
And i was walking home from the bar talking on the phone.
And then, he just came sprinting towards me.
I mean, not... not running, 'sprinting'.
I thought you know he was, like maybe he was running from someone
or after them... the last time I saw he was still out there going crazy.
Drunks maybe? - No.
I didn't even told you the worst part.
Yeah? - He tried to bite me.
You are right, that's the worst part. - Sorry, I was just so scared.
No no no, you should be scared the homeless guys just tried to eat you.
That's like the right kind of scare, that's a reasonable scare.
You know, I get scared for things that don't make sense at all, like...
Clowns, with red noses, or like the rag that use to wipe on table.
when you finishes eating,
...like a chain restaurant. - Really?
Look, the point is I'm here for you, okay?
And as long as you're by my side, I'm not leaving this apartment.
Do you mind if I just close my eyes for a minute?
No, of course, of course. - Thank you.
Set aside the feverish homeless cannibal I'm living in the dream.
I've had always my whole life wanted to brush a girl's hair over her ear.
Goodnight.
Oh, my God!
Are you okay?
Okay okay okay. Stop stop stop.
What're you doing?
Look, stay back 406, okay? I dont wanna hurt you, but..
Shit.
Oh, my God! I'm so fucking sorry.
You see, you just can't trust anyone.
The first girl I let into my life and she tries to eat me.
Listen to me, 406.
If you're in there.. You're just sick, okay?
"Rule #2: Double Tap"
That was my first brush, with the plaque of the 21st century.
Remember mad cow disease?
Well 'Mad cow' became 'mad person' became 'mad zombie'.
It's a fast acting virus,
...that left you with a swollen brain or raging fever.
And made you hateful, violent.
And give you really really bad case of the munchies
Alright, you steer, I'll push.
Okay.
And I've heard there's a place untouched by all this crap?
Back east, yeah. - Yeah, you heard the same thing?
Out west we hear, back east.. back east hear it's here out west.
And it's all just nonsense.
You know, you're like a penguin on the north pole,
...hear the south pole is really nice this time of year.
There are no penguins on the north pole.
You wanna feel how hard I can punch?
So, what do you think? - You mean, the last time I laid some pipe?
The last time you went 22's? The percy in the playpen..
It's personal. - Wallpapered the closet, passed the gravy.
Went heels to Jesus. - Oh, make loves.
Well, it's just, sex. - Uh.
Three weeks ago, yeah.
In the back of an abandoned FedEx truck.
Shut, up. - No, no, I was headed east..
She uh, west.
And we took shelter in the back of the truck.
It was full of undelivered packages.
What was her name?
Beverly.
Beverly Hills. - You dog.
So uh, what about you? - Me?
I... I... Ai yai yai.
Oh my god. That's extra sick.
It'll makes you sad, it makes you.. makes you think you could go back
To the way things were right now, you know, you'd be...
You'd be out in the backyard, you know, trying to catch a fireflies.
...and instead of this.
I mean it makes you... - Hungry.
I'm worried about you.
Look, whatever you have waiting for you in Columbus, I'll promise you
It ain't be any pretty than our friend here enjoying her man-which.
Tallahassee had a sixth sense of humour when it came to zombies.
Zombies aren't the most loveable creature but he really hated them.
In fact the only thing he was more obsessed to than killing a zombies...
...was finding a Twinkie.
Something about the Twinkie reminded him about, time not so long ago.
When things were simple and not so fucking psychotic.
It was like if he got a taste of that comforting childhood treat,
the world would become innocent again and everything would return to normal.
Pretty prospecting.
Jesus christ. You're a dangerous man.
You're gonna risk our lives for a Twinkie?
There's a boxes of Twinkies in that grocery store.
Not just any box of Twinkie.
The last box of Twinkie that anyone will enjoy in the whole universe.
Believe it or not, Twinkie have an expiration day.
Someday very soon,
...life's little Twinkle gauge is gonna go empty.
Time to nut up or shut up!
When Tallahassee goes Hulk on a zombie,
...he set the standard for not to be fucked with.
No fear, nothing to lose.
What can I say, it's like, it's like art.
You got a purdy mouth!
Don't swing, don't swing.
Swing.
Thank you. - You owe me.
You're great one. - I know.
Twinkie, Twinkie, Twinkie, Twinkie.
Oh, big hoss.
Come here big fella, just gonna take a little off the top.
Wow, these fellas really let themselves go. - And they're so fat.
Uh, I think we should probably just keep going.
All I could think of was "What are the odds?".
Another marriageable women to bring home to the folks.
Come quick.
Someone's ear is in danger of having hair brushed over it.
Hey, I'll catch up.
"Rule #22: When in Doubt, Know Your Way Out"
They're sisters. The little one's been bit.
Act normal, try not to freak her out. - Yeah.
Colombus. Wichita, Little Rock.
So, you did all this for a Twinkie? - Oh, no no no no, he did.
I'm just kind of like a Sancho Panza character.
Um, I don't think she has long to live. - I know, so does she.
We're just looking for a way out.
No no no no, she's still a little girl. - Don't talk about me like I'm not here.
Alright, I'm sorry.
Look, I know, you know that you're really sick.
But uh, your sister wants me to.. - It's not her decision
It's mine.
I made a promise.
We already said goodbye, but we didn't have a gun.
Oh look, we don't know that there's definitely no cure right?
You're just gut-less.
Give him the gun.
Wait, wait.
I'll do it.
I love you. - I love you too.
You need some help?
Now that you mention it.
We'll take your weapons, your car key, your ammunitions.
And if you got it, sugarless gum.
What the fuck.
Wa.. Wait, why are you guys doing it?
Well, better, you make the mistake of trusting us,
...than us making the mistake of trusting you.
Of course the first hot girl in a thousand miles shows up,
...makes me feels like an idiot, steals my double barrel...
...and says I'm the one that can't be trusted.
Nice going genius. You're the one that gave her the gun.
Those guys were dumb.
Avoid the vanity mirror. - Relax ok, I just passed for a zombie.
What I'd give for a show... - Do not say the S-H-O-W-E-R, okay?
Just get the rule going.
So, do you think it's true? - Is what true?
Rumors about Pacific Playland.
Totally zombie-free. Only places way to go.
Trust me.
So he's on one of the serious Tour 'de France bikes,
...you know with the, like the toeholds, right?
And he's peddling.
And the zombies head is like caught in the gear.
You know with the hair and the chain just like, going around.
Very cool.
Yeah. - But..
Zombie-kill of the week.. no sir.
I saw this construction worker I shit you not.
He's on the steam roller and the zombie goes down in front of me..
Ever roll a tube of tooth paste up from the bottom?
Yeah. I always rolled up from bottom to top. - Yeah, zombie's head is the cap.
Do you know this guy who's trying to like.. to be in everyone's story?
No. I knew who got away worse than that to me.
I just try to find their car. - Which would remind me..
I never had headaches like this 'til your ass came on board.
Do what you want with a man, but do not fuck with his Cadillac.
Hey, this is a nice mini-van. - Yes, it is nice.
That's a beautiful van.
Tallahassee firmly believe that you have to blow off steam in Zombieland
...or else you'll lose what's left of your mind.
Well, if it makes him happy and keeps him from using that crowbar on me,
Then I say "Hey, go waste shit".
I want my Caddy back.
Stupid little bitches.
Oh, I think I pulled something.
You think there's two of us smart enough to come home with a car like that?
You hesitated.
Would you rather be smart or lucky?
Look at what we got here.
It's nice. - Small finger.
"Rule #31: Check The Back Seat"
Thank God for rednecks.
This is a really big truck,
...and these are really big guns.
Take your time.
You know they say "He who seeks revenge should remember to dig two graves".
Alright, two graves.
One for the big chick, one for the little chick.
You're scary happy.
Come on, why don't we just forget about those girls and head home.
So you want to talk about home?
To me home was a, puppy name Buck.
Cutest dog ever.
Cause of those fucking zombies...
I lost him.
There ain't no getting him back, so uh...
I'm looking for a new home.
Tomorrow maybe, skinny dip in a Yellowstone River.
Swinging from the chandeliers in a Playboy mansion, but today,
A Vortec 6 fucking litre V8.
A box full of hollow points and Lord willing a GD Twinkie.
Gotta enjoy the little things.
I hate to give credit to anyone who looks like Yosmite Sam,
but I'm writing it down.
Rule No. 32 Enjoy the little things.
Going in, it's a trap.
Wait here.
Drive down if I signal.
You're not gonna shoot them, are you?
Unless the shoot me.
Oh, let's hope they shoot me.
Looks like they hoofed it.
Probably headed west.
Just drive slow, keep your eyes peeled.
They're in the back, aren't they?
Just me.
I'm really sorry. She was like a crouching tiger.
You got taken hostage by a twelve year old?
Well, girls mature faster than boys.
She is way ahead of where I was at that age.
Twelve's the new twenty. Gun please.
Like you would ever use it..
Don't kill me with my own gun.
All those violent video games.
Thank you.
Now honk your horn. - What?
Honk it.
Oh, there's your sister, that's my gun.
Hello.
Bummer.
Now step away from the vehicle.
You get to ride shotgun
I kinda like this girl.
She's not your typical hot, stuck up bitch.
Even before Zombieland, Wichita was running the table on guys like us.
What are you looking for?
My engagement ring.
I took it off to pump my gas and I thought I had it in my purse,
but it must've fallen out.
And I'm late for my flight..
Listen, I'll find your ring and I'll FedEx it to you.
I'll give you a reward
Do not be silly.
Three-thousand dollars.
It's worth more than my car.
Just, just give me your number.
I'll find it.
Yeah I'll start looking for it right now.
Cause I got nothing else to do.
I was engaged once,
but I'm single now.
Bye
Hope you make your flight.
I know it's around here somewhere, she's on a plane, that's the beauty of it.
Let me call you back.
Hey, you found my ring.
Thanks, I've been looking all over for it.
Your ring? - It was my friend's.
I'm gonna send it to her. - Do I get a reward?
40, 60, 80, 400, That's it. That's the whole register.
You made someone very happy.
You too.
How many left? - Let me see.
Enough for us to get to California.
Someday I want a ring this big.
For the low price of 30 bucks, sold.
It's amazing how far you can get with some costume jewelry and a cut-throat attitude.
I guess we're just lucky they didn't leave us by the side of the road.
Thank you Wichita, Thanks Little Rock.
Hey for fuck's sake, enough already.
We're being chased by ravenous freaks.
We don't have enough problems?
"Oh, they stole my Hummer. "
"We have trust issues. " Now get over it, okay!
We can't just fucking drive down the road playing I-spy,
...or some shit for two hours, like four normal-ass Americans?
Fuck me!
Wow! - I know.
Let me be the mature one.
So...
Where are you guys headed?
"Pacific Playland"
The amusement park?
Wait, outside LA?
Yeah, we went there as kids.
That place totally blows..
My mind. It's... it's so fun.
Just good entertainment for the whole family.
Yeah... yeah, actually I went there as a kid too.
In fact this probably counts as off season.
Well, did you guys hear? There are no zombies there.
Yeah, we heard.
You know what, I may not shoot you,
but you still royally piss me off.
And I'm not going to play with you at Pacific Playland.
Don't worry he grows on you. - Really?
No, it's worse. - Okay.
How about we play the quiet game?
Yeah? Starting now.
Oh, I've actually been meaning to ask you.
Did you hear anything about Columbus, Ohio?
You've heard of the quiet game? - Sorry.
No? Well they're playing it in Columbus, Ohio.
It's a total ghost town, burned to the ground.
You're Columbus.
I'm sorry.
I didn't realize it was..
I'm not sure what's more tragic,
That my family is gone,
or the realization that I never really had much of a family to begin with.
Either way I can't pretend that whatever I'm looking for,
I'll find by going home.
I have no home.
We can,
...give you a ride.
And you can go,
see for yourself, or settle somewhere new.
I could tell she knew what I was feeling.
We are all orphans in Zombieland.
I know this Pacific Playland thing is nuts,
but,
it's been so long since she got to be a kid.
It's tough growing up in Zombieland. - It's tough growing up.
There, you can take that truck.
Well, I...
Hope you find whoever it is you're looking for.
And don't let go, once you do.
It wasn't just because I had nowhere else to go.
It was cause in that moment it became clear.
Wherever this girl was,
...that's where I wanted to be.
Man, we're gonna have to pull over soon.
I'm feeling cooped up.
Wantamiro Wampum. Yeah, that'll work.
Okay, but what the hell are we doing?
Just humor him, trust me.
www.frendz4m.com
Hold on. - Who wants to go first?
I really, really wanna impress Wichita.
But it would be a direct violation of Rule #17.
Maybe the most important of all,
Don't be hero.
Why don't you take this one.
Don't mind if I do.
What do you think? Zombie kill of the week?
Close, but no cigar.
"Zombie Kill of the Week" goes to sister Cynthia Knickerbocker.
Poor flat bastard.
Perfume? - What?
Is that perfume?
It's cologne.
I'm thinking:
"Lanco Magnifique"
Why don't you speak up, they might've missed it in Santa fe.
Oh my God. You're thinking about fucking Wichita.
Wish granted. She spent the last 24 hours fucking us both.
Good luck now Petunia.
Okay.
Let me begin my three-part apology by saying...
...that I think you're a wonderful human with great potential..
FYI, I beat wholesale ass for a lot less than that.
I'm sure - You get 45% power.
Thank you.
Come on, break another one.
Nice.
Doesn't that feel good.